My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
