what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
