Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
