I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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