lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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