Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
