Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
