Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
