apparently the secret to your success is patron
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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