I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
