Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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