Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
