Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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