Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
