I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
