haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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