On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
