Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
