things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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