His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
