my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
