you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The air taste purple.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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