Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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