I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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