who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
