Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
