i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
