Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
