I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
