I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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