I think my vagina is haunted
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she smelled like a LAN party
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
