Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
