so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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