first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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