I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
