Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
