I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
