I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
