when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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