I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
