Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
