Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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