my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
