Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
