I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
