i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
