i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
