I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
