I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
