I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
