its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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