My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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